miss independent
2010-10-11 12:07 a.m.
i feel so mind-screwed.
didnt realize how much my mentality matters until i ended up on the floor with a massive plonk and got up to see ricky giving me a confused look.
because we've done this 10000 times with no issues until today.
then i realized how much terror i felt just doing the prep.
(is he really there will i be stopped halfway through will i fall will i bang my head again will i land painfully will i slip will i kick too early will i go too slowly will i look up and want to kill myself again?)
and then i propelled myself off into thin air without his signal.
apparently the more fear i feel the more i push myself to get over it and the more i end up screwing it up and increasing my fear in the vicious cycle of mind-screwing.
it took 3 more times and a lot of head-patting and its-okays and take-it-easy-why-dont-you-rest? to get my fear-frenzied mind back on track.
(which to my surprise worked better than why-cant-you-do-it-its-so-easy or how-many-times-have-we-done-this-already or sighh-do-i-really-need-to-tell-you-exactly-what-to-do?)
after feeling the love i went over smoothly, landed on my feet lightly and wondered where on earth all the fear came from.
(and then i realized the answer and told myself to never get mind-screwed again.)
now my mind and body are both going through the grinder but i just need to keep reminding myself of what i want at the end of it, and how being in adversity will make me mentally tougher.
(which keeps me going when coffee and red bull doesnt.)
(except at times when both mind and body are breaking down which is a scary, scary feeling that i dont ever want to feel again.)
oh god when have i become such an emo blogger.
